12 Feb Being Bilingual in the 5 Love Languages with Melissa Matthews
My guest is Melissa Johnson-Matthews. That’s right! My bride is back and we’re talking about the 5 Love Languages!
Listen To The Podcast:
Melissa: Hello Dream. Think. Do. family.
Mitch Matthews: Absolutely. We had such great feedback from our episode right around Christmas time, where we were talking about prayer, I hope you guys enjoyed that. We heard back from so many of you. In fact, a number of you reach out to ask if we would dive into some different subjects, one of which being how do you dream together as a couple, how do you go after goals together as a couple, all of those things. And that’s gonna be something we’re gonna dive into in a future episode, so stand by for that.
Mitch Matthews: But what we realized was, before we start talking about going after dreams and goals together and all of that, we need to talk about laying that foundation of love. Since it’s Valentine’s Day week we thought what a perfect week to dive into that conversation. And specifically we’re gonna dive into one of our favorite tools to use to help us love each other better, and that is a book that was written by Dr. Gary Chapman called The Five Love Languages. Now we read the original book, now there’s like 50 different iterations of this concept, but we’re gonna be talking about those love languages that Gary Chapman talks about in his book. We’re gonna talk with you about what they are, but more so we’re gonna focus on application, because a lot of you, you’re readers, you’re smart people, you’re all over this stuff. So there’s a very good change you’re already well versed with The Five Love Languages. And if that’s the case, awesome.
Mitch Matthews: We’re gonna do a quick overview of what those five love languages are, and what they are individually, and kind of what they are globally. But more importantly we’re gonna focus more on application. Now we do all of this with a caveat, in that, we first read this book how long ago do you think?
Melissa: I bet probably 10 or 12 years ago.
Mitch Matthews: Yeah 10 or 12 years ago, that seems like a long time ago. But I was grateful for it at the time, and I’ve been grateful for it ever since. We’ve actually had the chance to teach on these concepts many, many times. And every time I’m grateful for it because it’s a great refresher course, because we all need to be reminded of these concepts. And so I’m grateful for this opportunity today, and again, we’re doing this not from the standpoint of we are experts and we have this all figured out.
Melissa: Absolutely not.
Mitch Matthews: That’s right. More so we do this from the standpoint of, we are scientists, and we are continually experimenting with these concepts. So today we’re gonna be learning together, and we’re gonna be talking about these together. Now just before we get started or dive into just a quick overview of the love languages, how would you explain them just broadly Mel, like not necessarily individually, but broadly? Like the love languages themselves.
Melissa: Well the love languages are a way of speaking, they’re almost like, you know how in the South there’s a Southern accent, in the northern United States you sound like a Norwegian, yeah, sure. And that’s where I’m from so that’s why I sound like that. You know, if you’re from Boston you sound like you’re from Boston. If you are from Southern California you sound like you’re from Southern California. So there’s some accents. And the love languages are kind of like that too, it’s your way of speaking, and it’s your way of interpreting life. It’s also kind of a lens that you see things through.
Melissa: And so it’s important to know that when you love someone, whether it’s your spouse, your child, any significant other, any person that’s in your life, they are going to feel love in different ways. And it may be a completely different way than you feel love. And so it’s important to know as a person who wants to be loving, and wants to be in a relationship, ’cause we’re all wired to be in relationships, that you have an understanding of how the people around you receive love, because otherwise there’s gonna be some miscommunication if you will. And so that’s why it’s important to talk about it. I am really grateful for this tool that came along early in raising children, because it helped us understand our boys, and it helped us understand each other.
Melissa: I am a mom that lives in a house of men, so there are moments-
Mitch Matthews: God bless you.
Melissa: That’s right. That’s right. And so there are moments I’m like, I don’t know that I understand their language, and I’m not sure that they’re understanding mine. And so when we pull these things out and take a look at them we can use them as a really important too, and especially in our marriage as well. We’ll get into the details here in a little bit, but it has been wildly helpful for us to understand each other, and be able to communicate better.
Mitch Matthews: Yep, absolutely. And so, so true, it’s something that obviously helps relationships, if you’re dating someone, if you’re engaged, if you’re gonna be married, all that romantic relationships, fantastic, super helpful, but it is there’s applications in life with family, with friends, siblings, all of it. But we’re gonna focus more on the relationship side of things, what’s up Valentine’s Day. But, it really does have application throughout. So the languages are kind of the ways that we give love and the ways that we receive love. We have primary love languages, so some people will receive love in certain ways better than in other ways.
Mitch Matthews: So now let’s break down these five love languages kind of at a high level, again, a lot of you being the rabid readers and learners that you are, probably maybe are already familiar with it, and that’s fantastic. But so consider this a review, but for those of you that this is brand new, again, Gary Chapman wrote the book, Five Love Languages, and there’s a bajillion different iterations of those. But let’s break down the five here. Do you wanna start with your personal favorite?
Melissa: My personal favorite, I would love to. So I will start with acts of service, because that is my personal favorite. I am always high in acts of service. So no matter how many times I take the test, acts of service is number one for me. And when I think about acts of service I think of the phrase, “See a need fill a need.” And there is nothing that tells me people in my life love me more than if they see a need in my life and they fill that need.
Melissa: So as an example, the other day, I mentioned to you, “Gosh you know there’s all this snow and ice, and it’s wreaking havoc on my windshield wipers.” And so you, without even asking, or having me to tell you, said, “Hey I’m gonna go take your truck.” And then you went and got me new windshield wipers, you got me a new battery, and it was playing all of my heartstrings, right. ‘Cause that was demonstrating to me that you saw that I had a need, and you were willing to fill that need. And that was just a huge gift to me, and that spoke volumes to me.
Melissa: And sometimes people say, “Well you know how in the world can vacuuming fill your love language? How can that speak love?” And I’m thinking, this person obviously does not have acts of service as their primary love language, because you vacuum, if you feed the cats, man I am all over that. It’s a huge gift to my heart, and it tells me that you love me, and that you’re paying attention to my life. That I’m a value to you, and that I matter to you.
Mitch Matthews: That’s awesome. So acts of service really is, but truly that, kind of see a need, fill a need. You see something around the house, helping out with the laundry, or doing something in the yard. And sometimes it’s talking about those things, or sometimes it’s anticipating those needs as well. So that’s acts of service, I love it. So maybe you’re resonating with that, maybe you’re an acts of service kind of person. And I tell you what, some people are like, “Oh women are acts of service.” It’s like dudes are acts of service too, so it’s interesting, each of these as you hear it, you’ll probably identify with one, or two, more than the others.
Melissa: Yes. There are a number of men that I know that are acts of service. So it is not gender specific. So if anybody tells you that, it’s wrong.
Mitch Matthews: Yeah, exactly. Alright, so the next one we’ll talk about is my primary, which is quality time. And quality time, basically if you’re a quality time person, that means there is nothing better than having some uninterrupted time with those people that you love. So for a date it’s getting away from all the distraction, it’s just having time together, going for a walk. It’s interesting, some people really feel like it’s gotta be focused time, again it’s distraction free, but conversations, things like that. For me, kind of my unique spin on it is, it’s quality time together.
Mitch Matthews: So I enjoy, like we can go to a movie and have a date, and we don’t have to be talking the whole time. But it’s just that quality time together. Or like we went kayaking this fall, and we weren’t in the same kayaks, but we still it was quality time. It was us being together distraction free. It just makes me feel so good and loved when we have some quality time.
Melissa: So you’re saying that you like shared experiences?
Mitch Matthews: There it is. Nice words. Yes. Exactly. So shared experiences, but it is huge. Like for a quality time person, being distraction free is a really big deal. So for some, if quality time’s not that big of deal, and you get texts during your conversation, or during dinner, or whatever, if they don’t put a high value on quality time it might not be a big thing, but for a quality time person, whoa we’re at DEFCON 3 people. Danger. Danger. Danger. Right. So that’s quality time. Quality time, shared experiences, distraction free.
Melissa: And you might guess that we allow no cell phones at the dinner table at our house.
Mitch Matthews: We’re hard core on that. Nazis we are, I tell you what. Awesome. So words of affirmation, why don’t you do that next one.
Melissa: Yeah, how ’bout I take words of affirmation, because interestingly enough, sometimes words don’t speak real loud, and sometimes they do. And sometimes you need to be told verbally that you are beautiful, or that you are seen, or that you are loved, and that’s a person that has words of affirmation that they need to hear. Your words have power, and especially for this person. And words of affirmation are actually my second love language. So they’re not my primary gift, but they are my second.
Melissa: And so you can take out the garbage, but you can also tell me that you love me, right. And it’s important that we often kind of expound as to why. So saying you love someone, and affirming them in that is wonderful, but you can also tell ’em why you love ’em. “I love you because you are the most amazing person I know,” “I love you because you are the kindest person I know.” And speaking into them, telling them, getting very specific, for a person that has a words of affirmation love language, will make their heart just feel completely loved. And they will just soar. So kind, encouraging words, sometimes they could be written down, sometimes they’re verbal.
Melissa: Honestly, a person that has words of affirmation will take both. And if you are not a person that needs words of affirmation, this can be a really hard area for people to lean into, and we can talk about that in a little bit. But yeah, words of affirmation. Hearing, “I love you,” like I said, words have power.
Mitch Matthews: Yeah, absolutely. And it could be, I think through notes as well. You’re really great at writing people notes, and you do that same thing. I mean I think the spoken word is so great, but one of the ways you love people well is to send an encouraging note, and I’ll see you write down, “Hey I so appreciate what you did, thanks so much for doing that.” But you’ll get specific and say, “I so appreciated that you showed up early, and you were so engaged with those people, and your brilliant smile is so fantastic and I so appreciate it, it just changes a room.”
Mitch Matthews: And, oh my gosh, those kinds of things for a words of affirmation person … Mark Twain once said, “I can survive for two months on one piece of nice feedback,” I can’t remember exactly how he put it, I butchered it there. But, he basically said I can survive two months on a good word, and it’s so, so true, experience for words of affirmation people.
Melissa: It’s true. It’s true, absolutely true. Yes.
Mitch Matthews: So I love it. Alright, so the next one is physical touch, what’s up. Now here’s the thing on that one, it’s not just about romantic relationships and what not. For a person who’s a physical touch person, they’re touchy. You probably, if you are not a physical touch person, I guarantee you know somebody who is. They’re the person who immediately upon seeing you wants to hug you, wants to hold your hand, wants to stand close, they might be close talkers, right. But at the same time, they just wanna be close to you. And physical presence, accessibility, all that stuff, are critical. And if you kind of cut that person off, or if you don’t necessarily hug bag, those kinds of things, that can really be hard on a physical touch person.
Mitch Matthews: So it’s one of those things, just giving a little bit of a good hug can make all the difference for someone that’s physical touch. Or, like if you’re a couple, if they’re physical touch, being able to sit next to each other, sit close to each other when you’re watching T.V., you know all of those things. Whatever it might be, just kind of trying to work in some extra physical touch. And again, it’s beyond just the romance, the romantic physical touch, which that’s not the worst thing either.
Melissa: And it just sort of demonstrates that you’re present, right. So if you’re touching someone’s arm, or if you’re touching their back, or their lower back, it just causes them to realize, there’s a person here that’s present that cares about me, and I’m being touched.
Mitch Matthews: And physical touch often, from what I understand, for the folks that have that high, you know that’s one of their highest, when they have that physical touch it really helps them feel secure. It helps them to feel like they belong, more than words. And so it’s interesting how powerful that can be. So think about it, if that’s you then you know exactly what we’re talking about. Or maybe you have somebody in your life where you go, “Oh yeah, they must be physical touch.” So, absolutely.
Mitch Matthews: Alright so let’s talk about the last one, and that is gifts. Now it’s interesting, when I heard this, ’cause gifts is not one of my high ones. And it’s funny, I think about gifts, and it’s like I’m kind of one of those people that if I need something I just go buy it. I’m apparently difficult to buy for, ’cause I just do that. Like at Christmas, ah yeah I needed that so I just went and got it. It’s like, “What, no.”
Melissa: It’s exhausting.
Mitch Matthews: Exactly. So here’s the thing, with gifts the big thing is don’t think like this is just materialism, right, like that this person is dead set on filling their closet, all of that. It doesn’t necessarily have to be even something they purchased. But gifts are something that shows thoughtfulness, that shows intentionality, that shows that you know the person. So if they have gifts is high on their list, if you have been thoughtful with your gift to them, again it doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to show that you worked at knowing them, and been intentional about getting that gift and all of those things. So that’s a really big deal.
Mitch Matthews: But also if somebody is a gift person, then there’s a very good chance that if you miss their birthday, or if you’re a couple and you miss your anniversary, there’s a very good chance that’s gonna cut deeper than if gifts isn’t important. And here’s the thing, we’ve had years where things were tight, and so we would do this thing where it was like, you know on our anniversary, don’t worry about a gift this year. If they’re a gifts person, never, ever, do that. Be intentional about finding something small, do whatever-
Melissa: Yeah. ‘Cause that’s the beautiful thing about the gifts is that, it doesn’t have to be huge. We have a good friend who her primary love language is gifts, and she kind of was like, “Am I shallow?” I’m like, “No, this is just how you feel love.” But if her husband would even just bring her one little daisy, she was just, “Look at that, he was thinking of me.” So it doesn’t have to be anything expensive, but you do have to be aware that the person, if you don’t show up, and if you do forget, man it hurts. It cuts deep, cuts deep.
Mitch Matthews: That’s exactly right, exactly right. Okay so quick review, we’ve got acts of service, the first one we talked about, quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts. So those are the five love languages. Now you might be thinking, well I might be one, or the other, or might be a combination of all of them. And that’s exactly what it is. Again, there’s a great free quiz, we’ll get you the link just go to mitchmatthews.com\214 and we’ll direct you to a free quiz, so you can find out what you are. You can actually also point your significant other to it, all of that. There’s even one for kids, so you can have your kids go through it, all that stuff.
Mitch Matthews: So that will help you kind of know what your predominant ones are. And when I took the quiz this last time, it was interesting, the quality time and words of affirmation, there was just one point between the two. So quality time was my number one, words of affirmation was right after that. So it might be that you’ve got one, or two, that are really predominant. I can say those two were much higher than the rest of them for me.
Melissa: Sure. Sure. Sure.
Mitch Matthews: So absolutely. So here’s the thing, we wanted to walk you through those first to lay a foundation so we can talk about application, because these are languages, and I’ve never really learned another actual language. Mel you kind of, you can speak some Spanish.
Melissa: I speak a little Spanish, but I speak more Pig Latin, and that doesn’t really count at all. So honestly.
Mitch Matthews: I do not speak Pig Latin, and you can speak Pig Latin. We tried to do Pig Latin with the boys, and our boys were five and seven, and figured it out faster than I can. My brain just doesn’t get around languages like that.
Melissa: And I’m fairly certain nobody else really knows what Pig Latin is-
Mitch Matthews: Right. So that might just be an Iowa thing. If you know what Pig Latin is let us know in the comments. I love it. But here’s the thing, with the love languages the key is that to know what your languages are, because that’s the way that you love to receive love. The challenge with it though is, because that’s the way we love to receive love, it’s very easy for us to then also assume that everybody else receives love in that same way, right. So if I’m a quality time guy, it’s easy for me to assume that everybody in my family, that Melissa, the boys, all of that, are going to want to do the exact same things that I do, right, like the quality time they’re gonna put a high value on that. Now, of course they can understand it, but mine is definitely the highest quality time of any of our family members.
Melissa: Oh man, you hit it out of the park baby.
Mitch Matthews: That’s exactly right. So here’s the thing is, what’s important with this is to understand yourself, and to understand that you speak because that’s important, it’s relevant, it matters. But what’s also important, especially if you’re in a relationship, if you’re dating someone, if you’re engaged, if you’re married, you know if you’ve got a long standing relationship with someone, it’s also important to be bilingual. Because there’s a very good chance, in Melissa and I’s case, we don’t have the same primary love language. So we’ve had to learn to become bilingual.
Mitch Matthews: And so learning to be bilingual is much like learning a new language right. When you start to learn a new language, like for me acts of service is an example, when I was trying to learn this as a new language, I was stumbling around like somebody trying to learn French, or Italian, or Spanish. I would just hack at it. I remember when I was younger I went and visited France. I was 18 at the time and living in England, and so I went over to France, and I didn’t know French at all. But I tried to learn some basic greetings, because most of the French, and we’ve got a lot of listeners in France, what’s up France, right. But most people in France know English as well, and I noticed that even if I just tried some very basic things, I just hacked at it, they’d at least meet me halfway, I didn’t seem so rude ’cause I was trying. And love languages are like that a little bit, as you’re getting to know somebody else’s language it’s gonna probably feel cumbersome, you’re gonna kinda hack at it a little bit.
Mitch Matthews: And so one of the things we’ll talk about is, how do you start to learn those things together. How can you coach each other on those things, because that’s what it is. It’s like learning a new language, and in the beginning it’s not gonna feel as smooth, it’s not gonna feel as right as your primary language. So it’s a lot like learning a new language. So we’re gonna be talking about how do you become bilingual. And one of the things to do is to know if you learn … If you don’t share the exact same primary accent, our first tip is to watch out … or if you don’t share the same language I should say, our first tip is to always watch out for your accent, because we all have an accent.
Mitch Matthews: I mentioned earlier I lived in England, you guys know that. I lived in England a couple of different times when I was younger. Growing up in the Midwest, everybody had the same accent as I did, until I got to England. And then everybody around me, I thought, had accents, but they, of course, looked at me like I had the weird accent. Any time you go to a different culture you very quickly realize you have an accent. So one of the ways to watch out for your accent is to know that your primary love language is always gonna kind of try to work its way into someone else’s. You know if you’re trying to speak someone else’s primary love language you’ve gotta watch out for your accent.
Mitch Matthews: So I’ll give you an example on this. When I was learning Mel’s primary language was acts of service, my accent was quality time. So I would try to do these acts of service for Mel, but I would also try to work in, like almost sneak in, consciously or subconsciously, quality time. Like, oh hey we could work in the yard, but we can do it together. Which is probably a bad example, because Mel always loves working in the yard.
Melissa: Yeah I was gonna say, I will always take somebody working in the yard with me. That’s totally a plus for me.
Mitch Matthews: You’ll notice that, you know, if you really wanna love somebody well, and really understand these things, really try to do some things where you are truly functioning in their love language. So that acts of service is an example, I did, I just grabbed Mel’s truck, from the example earlier, I just grabbed Mel’s truck, she had mentioned it needed an oil change, her windshield wipers were not working all that great. So I just took it on an afternoon when she was working, on a Sunday, and just did all that stuff. And we didn’t have quality time, right, but it was a true acts of service. And oh my gosh, that was speaking her love language.
Mitch Matthews: So just when you are trying to speak someone else’s love language, just be really aware that your accent might try to sneak in there. So try to do your best, especially as you’re doing this intentionally, and learning these things, to try to really go after your loved one’s primary love language, and just watch out for your accent, make sure that it’s not creeping in there too much.
Mitch Matthews: So that’s one tip, Mel what’s another tip for you as far as we’re helping people become bilingual in this love language thing.
Melissa: Well I think it’s important for people, I know for me anyway, I had to sort of retrain my brain. Because, honestly, your example a little bit ago, would’ve been totally a ploy that I would’ve played, because I would’ve done something like, “Hey Mitch, we can spend some quality time together cleaning up the yard,” which would totally be an acts of service moment for me, and you do not love gardening, you do not love just being out cleaning up leaves.
Mitch Matthews: It’s just not my thing. I’ll do it, but it’s not my thing. Yeah, exactly.
Melissa: You will do it, and I love that about you. But here’s the deal, it’s not what you would consider quality time, at all. You would consider quality time, watching a movie together, or going on a date and talking. Where, and honestly, hey Dream. Think. Do., just so you know, quality time is my lowest love language. So I had to work at this sucker, okay. This is hard work for me. And so, but he’s worth it, because I want our relationship to be loving, and I want him to know that he’s loved. So you have to retrain your brain just a little bit to keep your priority out of it. Because I will tell you, I think our response is, like Mitch said, this is how I feel loved, so doesn’t everybody feel loved this way? Doesn’t everybody want a handwritten note? Doesn’t everybody want somebody to take out the garbage for them? Well no, no they don’t actually.
Melissa: And so you need to talk with the person that you are trying to love well, and find out what it is that they would want. How do you speak your language? Is it bringing them flowers, or is it taking out the garbage? Is it touching their back when you’re out in public, or is it something else completely? So you gotta retrain yourself, and I will tell you it’s hard work, and there are days that you’re not gonna do it great, you’re just not. You’re gonna be like, “You know what I really kind of screwed that up and I don’t feel like I loved you well in that moment.” And it’s okay to just own that and say, “Hey could you just give me some grace on that, because I love you, and I was trying, and I really think I missed the mark.” When you do that, I think, when he hold each other capable, and assume positive intent with one another, then I think everything works out better.
Melissa: So that would be another tip, is that it’s gonna take a moment, retrain your brain, and don’t go on autopilot because it’s gonna take a little bit of work, but it’s worth it.
Mitch Matthews: Yeah. Absolutely. I love that. So one of the other tips we have is do it with humility. As we mentioned, we’ve taught classes on this as well. So we’ve helped a number of couples kind of work through this, married couples, people in long standing relationships, new couples, all of that. It’s super helpful, but I think sometimes it’s easy to kind of think that your way is the best way, and that you’re doing it really well. And to go in with a humble heart, and say, “Hey can we learn this together,” or, “I think I didn’t quite do that right.” And to actually have that be a point of just conversation, not a point of a challenge, or that kind of thing, or a point of conflict.
Mitch Matthews: You know it’s that interesting thing, Mel always says, “Hey, if something’s not working, stop, take a look around, and try something different.” It’s one of those, as you mentioned earlier, always, again, assume positive intent. Right, like if somebody’s trying this stuff, we can assume they’re doing their best, and that’s what we wanna do. But it’s that whole thing of being able to say, alright … It’s interesting, I was talking with one couple, who was starting to understand this, but still wrestling with it a little bit. The husband was like, “Listen, I have been washing the dishes every night this week, and I’ve been reminding her that I’ve been washing the dishes every night this week, and it doesn’t’ seem to be working at all.” And I’m like, “Really, that’s shocking.”
Melissa: Wonder why. Wonder why.
Mitch Matthews: Yeah, exactly right. And part of it’s like, okay what’s your attitude, right, are you being humble, are you really trying to love here well, and/or are you just trying to get point, are you just trying to get noticed, and all of those things. So, do these things with a little bit of humility, and they can go a long, long way. And also be willing to say, if something doesn’t seem to be working, take a breath, have a conversation, and try something different. So, that’s another one. What’s another one for you Mel?
Melissa: Well when you were just talking there it reminded me that, this isn’t like your running a checkbook balance on, “Well I really demonstrated this love to you, so are you demonstrating this love to me,” and keeping a tally, or really like a checkbook of sorts. I don’t know, do people still keep checkbooks? I don’t know. We have one.
Mitch Matthews: A balance sheet, let’s just say.
Melissa: There it is. There it is. Because it’s a long term investment, ooh do you like the way I just kind of winged-
Mitch Matthews: Say, we’re just continuing with that metaphor, well played.
Melissa: That was beautiful, thank you very much. So the payoff might not be immediate, so you can’t do the whole, “Well I did this for you, and I did this for you,” I would encourage anyone to take the long view on this. And that kind of goes back to your humility thing as well. This is about a relationship, right, and you’re trying to build a foundation, and this is part of your foundation is understanding one another, and meeting each other where your needs are. And so it’s more relational, it’s not about a transaction, which can kind of feel like it if you constantly remind someone that you’re doing things for them, or showing up for them, right. “Well I’m doing this because this is what you want me to do,” well that’s not really loving your spouse, or your friend, or whomever, that’s actually keeping track, and that’s not what love does.
Melissa: You do it for others because you love ’em, you serve ’em, and you want what’s best for them. And you want them to experience love. And so that’s why we do it. So you have to be careful to not make it transactional, but remember that this is about building a relationship.
Mitch Matthews: Absolutely. It’s also that whole thing of being able to say, alright, having the conversations around it. And I love that, it is not about, alright I will wash the dishes twice this week if we can get quality time on Friday. I mean, you could probably do a little of that, but at the same time it’s much-
Melissa: Now I was gonna say there are some weeks that I would be like, “You know what, I’m good with that.”
Mitch Matthews: Exactly right, that’s a negotiation tactic and that works fine sometimes, but it is that whole thing of being able to say, especially to really try to love someone well, it’s to do it in as selfless a way as possible. And we all aspire to do that, and we all do that best when we’re rested, and we’re stress free, and all of those things. But it’s amazing what we can do. And I’ll tell you, it’s also interesting from the standpoint of loving people well, whether it’s your spouse, whether it’s your child, whether your friend. I don’t know about you, but it’s that whole thing of, as you choose to love someone well, not for what you get out of it, but just for the thought of what it might do for that person’s heart, and also kind of just the experience of getting to love them well, it’s amazing what that does in you.
Mitch Matthews: Like I don’t know about you, but I can … Mel brought up the checkbook thing, that can be a little bit of my default, right. I can be a little bit of a record keeper, and that sucks because then you start to turn into a scrooge, the scrooge of love where you’re just kind of grumpy, and you know kind of hoarding over, “Alright, you did this so I’ll do this, or, “You do that and I’ll do this.” That’s not freeing. There’s no freedom in that, and it’s not sustainable, and it’s certainly not fun. So to be able to say, “Gosh what are some ways where I could just do this?”
Mitch Matthews: So this is one of my last things, to kind of check your heart, on this front specifically. Love your spouse well, love your friends well, but one of the ways you can check your heart when it comes to all of these strategies, being humble, watching out for your accent, always assuming positive intent, stretching yourself, and really practicing this whole thing, one of the keys to do it is to challenge yourself to do it once in a while without your spouse, your significant other, even knowing you’ve done it. Just do it for just the opportunity to do it, just for that chance to love them well. Whether you get credit or not, that’s just a great, great way to kind of check yourself on this, and to really work on becoming bilingual when it comes to the five love languages.
Mitch Matthews: That’s just one last thing. And kind of as we’re wrapping this up, probably the last thing we’ll touch on here on this front, is don’t wait until you’ve got it all figured out. Don’t wait until it’s perfect. Don’t wait til you have total understanding of these things. My recommendation is to take what we’re gonna wrap up with, our T3 test, the bilingual love challenge, and to go and take this quiz. Again you can find the link at mitchmatthews.com\214. Take the quiz, take it together, talk about the results, and then try something new this week. So that’s our T3, take the quiz, talk about the results, and try something new. Even if you’ve been doing this for a while, maybe it’s a time to revisit it, and just commit to say, “Alright, what’s one thing I’m gonna do differently this week based on this information.” What last piece of advice might you give ’em Mel as we’re taking through, wrapping up, but one final application piece?
Melissa: Yeah, well I just give you permission to just try it. You’re not gonna do it perfectly the first time, but more importantly ask your significant other, your spouse, whomever, if you’re in a challenging relationship with them, or you’re just not communicating well, I would encourage you to do this together, and then ask them how they receive love. And then just try it. Just try it. And you might screw it up, and that’s okay because I can think of plenty of times where I thought I was loving you well, and it just really wasn’t coming across. But 26 years we’re still here together, right, we’re still figuring it out. And so just try it, you’re not gonna be perfect. And if it’s not going well, stop, I give you permission to stop, and reevaluate, like you said.
Melissa: It really truly is that simple, but holding that person in your heart and saying, “You know I really want to love them well,” will be a huge step in the right direction, I can tell you that. I’ve seen it 100 times.
Mitch Matthews: I love it. I love it. Alright dream think doer, take the challenge. Take this quiz, mitchmatthews.com\214 will direct you to the quiz, the five love languages quiz. And then talk about the results. Do this with your significant other, do it with your friends, do it with your family, do it with your kids. It’s really, really, fascinating to have these conversations. But then the third T is to commit to trying something new this week. Even if you are well versed in the five love languages, become even more bilingual, and start to understand somebody else’s even better by experimenting, by trying it out, trying something new.
Mitch Matthews: So, alright gang, I hope that helps. Stay tuned, Mel’s gonna be back here in the future, we’re gonna be talking about dreaming big together. We’ve got a bunch of other great interviews coming your way as well. Mel, you wanna say a last shout out and bye bye.
Melissa: Hey guys, It’s so good to … I was gonna say see you, but no, to be with you, and I’m looking forward to being back soon.
Mitch Matthews: Awesome. Alright, well thanks for being a dream think doer, thanks for doing all that you do. Hey share this episode if you would, we wanna just spread the love, share the love, and help people to get better at these five love languages. Know your language, but also learn someone else’s. Become bilingual, and let’s love each other a little better. Okay, hey until next episode, keep bringing your awesome ’cause the world needs more of it. Talk soon.